


and I could write a song, a hundred miles long

by Directionless_Foray



Series: and you’ll come back to me (not swallowed in the sea) [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M, apologies for any inevitable OOCness, salty language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 16:22:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13662732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Directionless_Foray/pseuds/Directionless_Foray
Summary: Shikamaru takes it upon himself to bring Asuma home.





	and I could write a song, a hundred miles long

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so for starters please read this with a lot of leniency for timelines, OOCness, and general spelling/ grammatical mistakes. 
> 
> This would realistically take place around 2 years after the end of the last instalment making Shikamaru roughly 22/23 and Asuma 37/38 or so. Most of this is written from Shikamaru's pov (NOT 1st person pov DON'T WORRY) and apologies if it feels very OOC, I love this stressed out nugget but I'm not used to writing from his perspective and in his voice. 
> 
> I would have wanted to add more detail and colour and just plain MORE to this but before I knew it this was over 15k of words of man-pain and I realised that if I kept editing and adding and being just generally unsatisfied I'd never finish this before the school term started. 
> 
> Also the title (for this instalment and the series itself) comes from Coldplay's 'Swallowed in the Sea' which I listened to obsessively while writing most of this and I would definitely recommend listening to it while reading this too.
> 
> FINALLY, this is structured a bit strangely, was have snapshots as per usual, and 'Then' indicates flashback, 'Now' indicates the present. '-' just indicates a short time skip but still within either the flashback or present. 
> 
> OKAY THEN, please enjoy.

 

_Now_

Shikamaru is trying to read the newspaper.

 

 _Trying_ very much being the operative word here.

 

The characters blur into black and white smudges and Shikamaru feels like he can't do anything to stop his worry from sapping his body dry.

 

Asuma was meant to be back from his mission eleven nights ago.

 

Asuma was meant to be back eleven nights ago and with every minute he's _not back_ it feels like another little part of Shikamaru is dying.

 

Not only is he ready to claw out his own eyes but he's ready to claw out the eyes of anyone trying to well-meaningly assure him " _I'm sure he's fine and is making his way home as soon as possible!_ "

 

 _No shit._ Shikamaru knows if Asuma were fine he'd be doing his best to get back to Konoha ( _he'd fucking crawl if he had to_ ).

 

However, the relief team had been despatched almost a week ago and they hadn't been able to find _anything_. 

 

Shikamaru deals in cold hard facts, in statistics, and probabilities. Shikamaru _does_ not deal in wishful thinking, he does not deal in "I'm fucking _praying_ with everything I have that you _come home to me_." 

 

He knows better (except for all the ways in which he _doesn't_ ).

 

Shikamaru wants to scream but he feels hollow and dead, _and fuck, shinobi are not meant to show emotion, shinobi are not meant to fall apart,_ but he feels like his skin is being pulled taut over his aching bones and like his heart is an open wound that is festering and well on its way to consuming him whole. 

 

Shikamaru stares at the walls and thinks about _phantom limb syndrome, thinks of missing parts of himself. Thinks about how it's like being able to still feel, to still yearn for, something that may not be there anymore_ and it scares him.

 

He can feel Asuma's absence everywhere he looks.

 

_The little nook by the window is where Asuma, bathed in the warm rays of the morning sun, would light up a cigarette whilst waiting for his morning coffee._

 

_The armrest of the battered couch which Asuma would lean against to put on his shoes every morning and then again to take them off every evening._

 

_The framed photos of them from that one undercover mission they had in the Land of Wind, Asuma had insisted on getting them developed and then putting on the mantle despite Shikamaru's complaining._

 

_The pile of dirty laundry Asuma left in the corner of their bedroom, Shikamaru can't bring himself to tidy it, every time he even considers it he can vividly see the sheepish smile Asuma's would always offer as he vowed to do the washing tomorrow._

 

_The edge of the kitchen bench Asuma liked pressing Shikamaru into when he would kiss him unexpectedly on the neck. Accosting him while he was trying to chop vegetables. While he was reading the newspaper. While he was still grumpy and half-asleep in the morning._

 

_The old, worn, and stained rug by the door that they've trampled over, running to get out of unexpected spring showers. The very same rug they've dripped blood on after one of them has returned from a mission bloody and bruised but needing_ **_to see the other person alive first_ ** _. The same rug they've spilt coffee on… tripped over after a night out drinking… and even on one memorable occasion, made love on._

 

He feels like he's caught in a limbo, _not knowing_ if Asuma is coming home, _not knowing_ if he should hope Asuma is alive, even if he's in unspeakable pain, _not knowing_ if he is physically capable of hoping that Asuma got to die peacefully.

 

 _This is his problem,_ he supposes, _he doesn't know whether to hold on or let go_. Truth be told he doesn't know if he is fully capable of either one. 

 

He's so _tired_.

 

Shikamaru hasn't slept properly in almost a week and the exhaustion he feels isn't just from lack of sleep. This is a bone-deep chill that leaves Shikamaru numb and drained dry and unable to _function_. Shikamaru finds he can't sleep but he can't do much else either.

 

His mind just keeps running through the possible scenarios, intercut with the sharp memory of the last time he saw Asuma.

 

_Slowly waking up to the faint sound of rustling and a warm but empty bed. It's still dark but Shikamaru can just barely make out Asuma moving around the room quietly. Asuma could always move around silently, with absolutely no sound at all, but shinobi know better than to move with absolute silence around another shinobi. It tends to arouse suspicion and end with a kunai to the throat._

 

Scenario one: Asuma is alive but badly wounded, hence the delayed return. However, for every extra day he is delayed in coming back, his… his chances of dying from blood loss or exhaustion increase by at least three-fold. ( _At least_ ).

 

_Shikamaru sits up in his bed and glares at Asuma as he gets ready and groans, "look I'm really proud of how you're a successful and accomplished shinobi and you're entrusted with cool B-ranked missions all-on-your-lonesome and whatever, but_ **_fuck you_ ** _this is early and I_ **_hate you_ ** _for waking me up."_

 

Scenario two: Asuma is being held hostage. Unlikely. No word has arrived from Asuma or his hypothetical captors. Over a week is far too long to wait before you start making demands anyway. Shikamaru should really discard this one, but maybe _just maybe_ Asuma is (mostly) unhurt and being held captive. Hostage situations, captives who are alive, and negotiating are all conditions Shikamaru can work with.

 

_Asuma chuckles as he pockets a pack of cigarettes and ties his hitai-ate. He walks over to where Shikamaru is still scowling at him, cocooned in blankets. He lays a hand on either side of Shikamaru's head against the headboard. "I know your game now, " he smirks, "the grumpier you are, the more you're going to miss me brat," he nuzzles along Shikamaru's jaw and Shikamaru whimpers involuntarily._

 

Scenario three: Asuma had been ambushed but he managed to salvage the situation and is laying low in a small town, perhaps doing some follow up, regaining some strength before he reports back to Konoha. Again, wishful thinking. It's been far too long without any kind of communication, even a coded message could carefully be arranged to at least notify the Hokage (and by extension _Shikamaru_ ) that he's _alive._

 

(No. This one is next to impossible.) 

 

_Shikamaru hums as he burrows back into the covers, as Asuma quietly moves around the bedroom finishing up. As he's drifting back to sleep Asuma presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, "back in two weeks." "Then fucking_ **_go_ ** _already so the rest of us can sleep," Shikamaru grumbles. Asuma laughs, "well I see I'm not wanted here," he presses one last kiss to Shikamaru's forehead and murmurs, "try not to miss me too much, brat." As he's leaving and Shikamaru feels himself drifting off he murmurs an apologetic, "be careful… come home… quickly…_ **_I love you_ ** _."_

 

Scenario four: He's-

 

He's…

 

Asuma is dead. (Shikamaru hates this one the most).

 

He's- he's dead and now it's just retrieval of the body. Asuma is dead and all the thinking and calculating means nothing when he's cold and dead to the world.

 

If so, the body should be able to be found within the next few weeks, surely.

 

If not. If not it's either dangerously and hopefully _good,_ or really, **really bad.**

 

_The only comforting thought is that Shikamaru told Asuma he loved him before he left. Now it's just up to the jōnin to follow Shikamaru's other two parting requests._

 

_Be careful. Come home quickly._

 

Sometimes late at night Shikamaru thinks about how quietly he murmured those final words. How close he was to drifting off to sleep, how he may have imagined saying them at all.

 

Shikamaru hasn't properly slept in almost a week because if Asuma hadn't heard him say those three words, if he really had imagined them- then the last things Shikamaru said to him were…

 

_Then fucking_ **_go_ ** _already…_

 

_I_ **_hate you_ ** _for waking me up…_

 

_…_

 

Shikamaru hasn't slept properly in almost a week.

 

 

_Now_

Shikamaru realises it’s probably really bad, or at least really noticeable, when _Kurenai-sensei_ drops _by_.

 

She looks concerned, though to be fair everyone Shikamaru has interacted with recently has been as well so he's not too bothered about that in itself, Shikamaru stares at her as she stands stiffly in his doorway.

 

Truth be told it was never really awkward between them despite logic dictating otherwise, sure Shikamaru was jealous when she and Asuma had their _thing_ , but he’s mature enough to realise she’s done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

However, while Shikamaru definitely doesn’t hate Kurenai, he does slightly hate how _good_ frazzled-concern looks on her.

 

He's faintly aware that they’ve been silently staring at each other for a while now and it's probably incredibly impolite for him to make her wait in his doorway for so long. He's way too tired to care about any such niceties though.

 

“How can I help you Kurenai-Sensei?” he musters.

 

Her brow furrows and then she lets out a breath _,_ “I know things are a bit... _strange_ between us.” Shikamaru manages a wry expression of, _oh really now_? She shakes her head in disbelief, "and I know I may not be the person you want to see or speak to right now but…"

 

Kurenai looks uncomfortable, but she's here in spite of that so she must really need to say this to him, _to his face_ , she squares her jaw, “… but I _know_ if it were you out there, Asuma wouldn’t rest until he brought you back, so _don’t give up on him_ either.”

 

He doesn't know what to say.

 

The shock is less from the fact that she's speaking to _him_ so forcefully, rather it’s from _what_ she's saying. It's what Shikamaru needs to hear. Everyone else has been tiptoeing around him, around any mention of Asuma, and that's enabled the thick fog of grief and helplessness that follows him wherever he goes.

 

But Kurenai loved Asuma too and therefore understands the cloying pain and grief Shikamaru must be feeling. She knows that he doesn't need more _cushioning_ to protect from the pain _, the impact,_ because _it simply won't work,_ because _it will still hurt_ after all.

 

No- what he needs is a wake-up call.

 

The shocking splash of cold water to keep him from remaining submerged in the warm water of his grief until he inevitably drowns in it.

 

Shikamaru leans against the door jamb, it feels a little bit like a fog has lifted.

 

Like he's woken up after a long nap. 

 

Asuma should have been back two weeks ago and Shikamaru is finally ready to take matters into his own hands. 

 

"Thank you," Kurenai arches a brow, expression dubious, "I needed that," Shikamaru confesses.

 

"Anytime," she says softly.

 

 

_Now_

Shikamaru demands to see the Hokage.

 

He's lucky she's willing to overlook the innate rudeness of barging into her office. He'll apologise for that later. Probably. Maybe. _Probably not_.

 

"He's out there," Tsunade looks sympathetic at that but Shikamaru doesn't have time for her pity, " _yes, yes_ , he may be- he may be _dead_ already but he also might not be and we've given him two weeks and I'm _formally requesting_ that you allow me to put together a team to retrieve one of Konoha's finest and most respected shinobi."

 

"… Who happens to be your lover," Tsunade arches a fine brow.

 

"He was a fine and respected shinobi long before I wandered into his life and complicated things," he maintains. He can't help adding, "I'd be very surprised if you would allow an… _indiscretion_ like that to stand in the way of retrieving one of the village's own."

 

He continues, "and I'm fairly certain you would have been set to form a team for this purpose anyway… after all, we can't leave the last surviving son of the Sandaime out in the cold can we?" it's as close as he'll get to a threat in this office and Shikamaru is careful to keep his tone light.  

 

Tsunade considers this, she doesn't look too pleased with being forced into a corner but she's fair and she'll give it due consideration regardless of Shikamaru's cheek.

 

When she speaks again she sounds tired, "you may not like what you find," her eyes are grave, "you can put together the best team and employ the best tactics however it will change nothing if he is already dead, chūnin-san." Shikamaru picks up on the fact that she is intentionally addressing him as a shinobi, she is addressing him as a ninja because she will expect him to conduct himself like one. 

 

Shikamaru forces his chin up defiantly, "I seem to be destined to learn all these lessons the hard way."

 

She levels him with a hard stare but she relents, "pick your team then and bring him back home." 

 

Shikamaru nods and understands that Tsunade is mostly humouring him with her word choice, allowing him the possibility that he may still be alive.

 

He's grateful nonetheless, but being the people that they are he can't thank her for it and she certainly won't accept any sort of thanks for it either. So he bows low, a humble attempt to make up for his earlier insolence, as she smiles resignedly.

 

 

_Now_

It's not hard to put together a team.

 

He starts with Kakashi and Kurenai. Two skilled jōnin who know how Asuma fights, how he thinks. Needless to say, they'll be just as determined as Shikamaru to bring Asuma home. You need that kind of energy on a mission like this. 

 

He adds Genma after some more thought, they'll need someone who is cool, calm, and collected. Though you need that motivation, that drive, on this type of mission, too much of it, too much of it _unchecked_ , is a disaster just waiting to happen.

 

Not that he doubts Kakashi or Kurenai, but like Shikamaru they're a little too close to this mission, and while he knows that as experienced shinobi they are more than equipped to handle death (in the emotionally stunted way shinobi often are), it'll be good to have someone slightly more detached.

 

So Genma makes four. 

 

For a short while he's tempted to leave out Ino and Choji, they may not be able to handle what they find, and he's willing to shoulder the burden of knowledge.

 

There's a part of him as well, a selfish and childish part of him, that wants so desperately to keep Ino and Choji away from this mission, away from the potential devastation so if he comes back with a corpse, or worse _nothing,_ he can seek refuge in them, in how untouched they are by his pain. He immediately chides himself for thinking so selfishly, Asuma was- _always will be_ Ino and Choji's sensei as well. Their rock. Their constant as well.

 

If Shikamaru is dying a little inside every day they can't be doing that much better.

 

Asuma is someone who shaped their lives and their persons. Nothing short of being on their deathbeds could _, should,_ keep them from this mission.

 

Not to mention it'll be easier to strategise if they're assigned to the mission as opposed to them inevitably sneaking their way onto the mission should he exclude them.

 

So Ino, Choji, Kakashi, Genma, Kurenai, and himself. Six. A little on the larger side but perfect should they need to split up as Shikamaru suspects they will. He doesn't anticipate having a long window of opportunity to work with.

 

They'll need to leave that option open. 

 

They'll need a medical-ninja though, he muses, if Asuma is badly hurt. Given how long it's been, the severity of his hypothetical injuries could be extreme. (Shikamaru tries not to dwell on this, brushes over it with business-like efficiency.)

 

(It doesn't work. It still hurts.)

 

He returns to the Hokage's office with the intention to request permission to pull Sakura from a mission she has scheduled. They'll need a skilled medic-nin and Sakura was trained by, and therefore by extension is, quite simply the best.

 

When he explains the situation to Tsunade she nods, she considers the request and throws Shikamaru a curve-ball. "I'm rejecting this request," Shikamaru's brow furrows, Tsunade raises a hand to silence his questions as she continues, "instead I'm offering myself. I'm satisfied with the personnel you've selected and I'll join this mission."

 

Shikamaru is rarely speechless. Though he prides himself on anticipating all possibilities in a given situation, he can honestly say never predicted this.

 

"However I can only allow myself at most four days away from the village," she stares out the window, "I propose this instead, your original team set out first to investigate and collect information, and try to find him. You can have up to a week for this."

 

"I know you'd rather have a medic-nin from the get-go but I'll be perfectly frank, I don't think you're going to find him bleeding to death on the side of a road. So before the end of the week, you can send me word as to where I should meet the team, should you need me _," should you find Asuma on the brink of death in a dark cave and_ ** _not actually dead,_** is heavily implied. "I will meet you with an Anbu guard and we can bring the idiot home."

 

Shikamaru considers this, though not exactly what he had in mind he doesn't expect he'll get a better offer.

 

"Okay then, thank you Hokage-sama."

 

 

_Now_

Ino rolls her eyes when Shikamaru hands her and Choji the hastily prepared mission scroll.

The scroll is a formality. She knows him too well, of course she knew he'd eventually start plotting a way to get out of the village and bring Asuma home himself, this is just the most legitimate way to go about it. "Of course Shikamaru, you _idiot_ , we need to go find _your idiot_ , and our _sensei_."

 

Choji nods solemnly, "he's waiting for us."

 

Shikamaru had never considered it like that, but yeah… Asuma, _dead or alive,_ is, _was_ , waiting for them. Waiting for his team to come for him.

 

He must be quiet for too long and Ino misinterprets it, she laughs quietly, "did you really think we wouldn't want- fuck, **_need_** to be on this mission?" she says, hurt evident in her voice.

 

The atmosphere is tense, Shikamaru selects his next words carefully. "No… I never doubted _that_. I just didn't know if I could handle putting you through… what we might have to see." He shrugs as he stares at the bright blue beads of Ino's bracelet, "I also… _selfishly_ wanted to keep some part of my life, in as much as possible, separate from this, _untouched_ by this," his expression is apologetic, "it was stupid and selfish, and for that I'm sorry." 

 

Ino's mouth opens and closes. She blinks slowly but it's Choji who speaks up, "Shikamaru, we'll do what we always do, we'll face it all together, as a team, sharing the burden" he speaks slowly, articulating every word clearly.

 

 _Yeah,_ Shikamaru thinks, _yeah, I guess we'll do what we always do then._

 

-

 

Kakashi is unsurprised when Shikamaru approaches him.

 

"I'll be there bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at first light, Shikamaru-san," he drawls. He may act unaffected but there's a steel to his voice and Shikamaru knows he's not enlisting the perpetually unconcerned _character_ Kakashi readily employs.

 

No- he's not getting the _harmless_ Hatake Kakashi this time around.

 

Shikamaru knows it will be the formidable and lethal Hatake Kakashi joining them on this mission.

 

-

 

Kurenai looks sympathetic at first but when Shikamaru asks her if she'll join the mission her expression hardens. She answers calmly and without hesitation. He likes that. 

 

Shikamaru is comforted by the sudden realisation that he has built himself a team of people who are absolutely ready to kill to bring Asuma home.

 

It brings a grim smile to Shikamaru's lips.

 

-

 

Genma arches a brow as he scans the scroll, "I have to be honest here Shikamaru-san, I feel a bit like the odd one out here," he admits.

 

Shikamaru smiles wryly, "you're tasked with the all-important role of being the voice of reason," he says simply. "I trust everyone on the team implicitly but… the nature of this mission means things may get… _messy_ , in all senses," he winces, then he straightens up, "we'll need to keep that from happening, this is a mission after all."

 

In the ensuing silence Shikamaru feels he may finally be getting some of the stoic jōnin's respect.

 

Genma confirms as much. He cocks his head, "a most logical provision, Nara-san," he murmurs, the corner of his lips twitching upwards.

 

Shikamaru smiles sadly. He doesn't say, _it could all still be in vain_ , and neither does Genma.

 

 

_Then_

The door opens and Shikamaru deliberately ignores it. He looks up when he feels Asuma standing in front of him pretending to glare. "Oh, you're back are you?" he deadpans.

 

"To a warm welcome, clearly," Asuma smirks.

 

Shikamaru puts down the newspaper, "you're two days late, did you stop to do some sight-seeing?"

 

Asuma shakes his head and wanders into the kitchen muttering "the _brat,"_ affectionately. Shikamaru follows him grinning. Asuma stands over the sink and fills a glass of water which he chugs, Shikamaru leans against the kitchen counter next to Asuma and watches him fondly.

 

When he finishes Asuma carefully cleans the glass, sets it on the dishrack, and then pushes Shikamaru up against the counter and kisses him. No _\- devours_ him. 

 

Shikamaru arches up and offers himself to Asuma. _This is more like it._ He rests his arms across Asuma's broad shoulders and feels Asuma's growing erection pressing against his thigh. He moans wantonly and Asuma swallows it in a desperate kiss whilst undoing Shikamaru's pants. Shikamaru scrabbles to divest Asuma of his clothes as well.

 

Once clothes are clumsily disposed of Asuma grabs Shikamaru's legs and winds them around his waist as he spins them around and presses Shikamaru down onto the kitchen table.

 

Asuma curses and Shikamaru laughs breathlessly and gestures to his discarded vest. Thank _fuck_ he didn't throw that lube away that time Asuma jokingly put it in there to embarrass him.

 

Shikamaru focuses on trying to calm his breathing but all thoughts of calm disappear the moment he feels slick fingers teasing his entrance. Another strong hand grips Shikamaru's wrists and forcibly braces them above his head. 

 

 _Okay, so this is how it's going to go,_ Shikamaru thinks faintly to himself. 

 

He's not disappointed though.

 

Not by a long shot.

 

-

 

Afterwards, they sink to the cool floor of the kitchen as they try to get their breaths back. "Almost thought you didn't miss me," Asuma says hoarsely, arm slung possessively around Shikamaru's waist.

 

Shikamaru rolls his eyes and then rolls over and on top of Asuma's middle, he leans in close, "do not come back from missions late again, Asuma," he says slowly and severely before sucking a truly impressive hickey on the juncture of Asuma's neck.

 

Asuma captures his lips in a searing kiss, "noted," he says breathily.

 

 

_Now_

They set out at sunrise.

 

The sun is an ominously bloody red but Shikamaru looks around at this ragtag team and sees sombre resolve in every set of eyes. It'll have to do for now.

 

If they can't find Asuma, Shikamaru will have to start learning to sleep again, in a house full of memories of a man he's lost, with a head full _of what if's,_ because If they can't find Asuma, Shikamaru doesn't have much hope that anyone will. 

 

As they move through the forest Shikamaru sets out the plan: Ino, Choji, and Kurenai will make for the village Asuma would have been in last. Kakashi, Genma, and himself will make for a forest a town or so over.

 

_Tsunade beckoned him closer and Shikamaru complied. She had pressed a nondescript scroll into his hands. She steepled her fingers as Shikamaru unrolled the scroll and scanned it, "this piece of intel is sketchy at best but it's a strange location, a town over from where he would have last been seen, not close enough for the relief team we sent to feasibly have checked when they were dispatched, but the timing is a little too coincidental … not to mention some reports have now trickled in of many_ **_, loud_ ** _disturbances in suspiciously close succession in the area." She lets her words sink in._

 

_Shikamaru swallows and nods, he tries to stifle the growing hope in his chest, of course, the fucker would have fought back, that doesn't mean he's alive though. Shikamaru inclines his head, "thank you for this information Hokage-sama," and he_ **_is_ ** _grateful._

 

_Tsunade rolls her eyes, "alright, alright, go and find him."_

 

If the team is confused as to why he's insisting on these arrangements they at least have the decency to keep it off of their faces. He doesn't want anyone to get their hopes up too much, they have to keep up this momentum. So for now he'll shoulder the burden of hope, claim captain's privilege, and leave everything fit to share on a scroll he secretly stashed in Choji's pack inside an empty packet of chips.

 

The forest flies by them and Shikamaru prays that he won't be punished for the hope burning fiercely his chest.  

 

 

_Now_

Kakashi is silent when Shikamaru finally informs him and Genma of why they've split up and relays the intel that's lead them to this particular spot.

 

Genma laughs and at their questioning looks he stops to explain, "I just can't believe I was surprised for even a second that he put up a big fight," he shrugs.

 

Kakashi smiles, "and so the brave heroes rise again with hope," he murmurs dryly but Shikamaru can hear how the strain in his voice. Kakashi is also trying not to get his hopes up.

 

"Not too much hope," Shikamaru warns.

 

"But still _a bit_ of hope." 

 

To Shikamaru's surprise _Genma_ is nodding as well, "you can't go on this type of mission and not have at least some hope," he thumbs his ever-present senbon, "you'd go insane otherwise," he says matter-of-factly.   

 

 

_Then_

Genma can't say he really knows Asuma all that well. At least not compared to some of the other shinobi.  

 

They'd kind of assumed the roles of the mutual friends, loosely coexisting within the same large group of friends without being especially close themselves.

 

Don’t get him wrong, Genma has run a couple of missions with Asuma and his dry sense of humour not to mention freakishly-dependable back up make him a top-notch mission partner, but outside of that Genma doesn’t really know him that well.

 

So he’s pretty much maintained his ‘arched brows of vague judgement’ for the entire 'Nara incident' as he has privately dubbed it (… along with the subsequent implosion… and then eventual quiet rebuilding).

 

The only thing that's honestly kept him from marching up to Asuma's apartment and giving him a piece of his mind over:

 

Dating a kid.

 

His student.

 

Who happens to be almost half his age.

 

Who happens to have the scariest father in the entire village.

 

Who honestly seems like the forbidden fruit that is definitely _not worth it_.

 

… The only thing stopping Genma from ( _loudly_ ) informing Asuma of all of his opinions over his life choices was the memory of huddling by a sad little fire with him on a truly horrible mission. Both of them exhausted and badly hurt and praying that either reinforcements got to them soon, or that death caught up with them before their enemies did.

 

That cold wet moment and the unexpected comfort of Asuma's wry smile despite his broken ribs has kept Genma in line. 

 

He considers all of this as he watches Shikamaru argue with Anko over military tactics whilst Asuma looks on fondly.

 

He watches the way Asuma's body angles protectively over the Nara's, seemingly instinctively.

 

He watches how Shikamaru is facing Anko but keeps unconsciously turning his head fractionally towards Asuma when he speaks.

 

He notes how Shikamaru is unflinching in the face of arguing with a superior, a truly terrifying woman, and in a roomful of rowdy post-mission ninja no less.

 

He notes how Asuma doesn't even try to cut into their debate or reprimand any of the others teasing Shikamaru (primarily Kakashi, Kotetsu, and Izumo). Asuma is so _proud…_ but more than that, he's so absolutely confident of the chūnin's abilities and intelligence. He doesn't feel he _needs_ to intervene. 

 

If it weren't for the glaring age-difference and veritable catastrophe that was their relationship the first-time-round, he would genuinely think this was a couple that would indeed go the distance.  

 

However, Genma figures that though he and Asuma may not be extremely close he still owes Asuma the benefit of the doubt, especially now.

 

After all, you can't pick and choose when to stick up for your friends, it's the difficult and uncomfortable moments that _count_. So Genma watches the two love-struck fools continue orbiting around each other, like their own little solar system, and bites his tongue.

 

 

_Now_

Genma sneaks a surreptitious glance at Shikamaru. The chūnin looks, to be quite frank, _and when isn't Genma anything but_ ** _frank_** , awful. Like, truly wretched. Genma is being generous with that description too.

 

To anyone else he might look _okay_ , perhaps a little nervy. But anyone who has worked alongside the Nara, has seen him around regularly, or is familiar with the infamous Nara clan itself would be aware that Nara Shikamaru approaches everything with a particular brand of calm and vague disinterest.

 

So yes, to an outsider he's still holding it together like a champ, _as per the oft-praised shinobi he is_ … but he's not fooling anyone _here_. Kakashi and Genma can both tell the man is a _wreck._

 

Though Genma is probably not one to talk, none of the higher ranked ninja are, they're all just _wrecks_ too, well-disguised as well-adjusted, but _wrecks_ nonetheless. Perfect assassins made up of poor coping mechanisms and ingrained traumas, held together with stitches, bandages, and the instinct to _kill_.

 

He can't judge but still, he's not blind.

 

Genma chances a look around and catches Kakashi's thoughtful gaze, he arches a silvery brow in question. Genma inclines his head towards Shikamaru by way of explanation.

 

Kakashi's's nose scrunches, _not good_ he conveys.

 

Genma looks up slowly and tilts his chin down lazily, _agreement._

 

_if they don't find Asuma alive and more-or-less in one piece, they're going to be dealing with, effectively, two losses._

 

He bites down on his senbon and frowns. _Well, fuck._

 

Kakashi glances up at the canopy of leaves and sighs. _Yeah, they're kind of fucked._

 

 

_Now_

The clearing is quiet when they arrive. Suspiciously so. It's the eerie type of _quiet_ a forest, that should be teeming with wildlife, should not be.

 

Kakashi frowns up at the surrounding trees and narrows an eye. Shikamaru looks up as well and feels himself stiffen. There are chunks of leaves missing from the branches. No- not _chunks_ of leaves, rather… _slices_ ** _through_** _the leaves._

 

They're moving before anyone can say anything aloud, following the pattern of the leaves.

 

Genma is the first one to notice the blood. It's an innocuous little splotch, about the size of pebble but he stops. Bends down to get a closer look at where it had dripped onto a low hanging branch, his brow is furrowed.

 

It's dried. It can't have been very recent.

 

Kakashi nods to a tree, a metre or two away, and sure enough, upon closer inspection, Shikamaru notices a small smattering of red spots.

 

Shikamaru's hands twitch and he balls them into fists. "I suppose we should follow the blood," he says emotionlessly.

 

-

 

Shikamaru follows the trail of blood, comforted by the fact that the traces of blood have become rarer and harder to spot.

 

 _Please be alive, oh kami, please let him be alive,_ his mind chants against his better judgement.

 

He speeds up and leaps ahead of Kakashi and Genma. They won't be offended.

 

If there's a dead body he'll need a moment to see it for himself and come to terms with it before he can face anyone else.

 

They understand. They can give him this.

 

-

 

The trail leads to another smaller clearing.

 

There's blood again, more blood, but no body. Nothing.

 

Shikamaru frantically tries to make sense of the scene.

 

-

 

This is how Kakashi and Genma find him when they catch up with him: on his knees with his back to them.

 

They approach him slowly and simultaneously take in the surroundings. Blood spattered haphazardly on tree trunks. Not enough for a slaughter but not the most encouraging sign nonetheless.

 

Shikamaru stands and walks stiffly to a tree a few meters away. The persistent shaking of his shoulders leaves no question as to why he has kept his back to them.

 

_He had_ **_hoped_ ** _and this is what_ **_hope_ ** _gave him._

 

Genma looks back to where he was kneeling on the ground, to what had brought him to his knees, and his eyes widen. There's a large patch of dark, dried blood.

 

With a squashed cigarette sitting in the middle.

 

Kakashi kneels down next to the blood it and pokes at it. "Over a week old I'd say." Genma kneels down as well and purses his lips.

 

Shikamaru takes a deep breath and rejoins them. Genma hates himself for asking but he does anyway, "what should we do now?" he asks. "The trails ends here."

 

It's a while before Shikamaru replies, his expression is serious, trying to mask his grief, "we regroup with the others." Shikamaru swallows, "we'll tell them everything and hope-," he stops, **_no_** _, no more hope from now on,_ "and _see_ if they found anything." 

 

"Okay," Kakashi says neutrally. He gets up and dusts off his pants, "we can probably get to the village by tomorrow morning if we start moving now before it gets dark," he says reasonably.

 

Genma nods slowly and tightens his hitai-ate. "Let's set out then, Shikamaru," he says briskly.

 

Shikamaru realises they're trying to keep him moving, keep him from getting bogged down by his grief but _the jokes on them_. Shikamaru is running on empty, he's all out of _hope_.   

 

 

_Then_

"This is so stupid," Shikamaru remarks reading over Asuma's shoulder. He plucks another form off the top of the sizeable stack. "I don't even know where we're meant to sign this," he squints at the tiny text, "I feel like we're being punished."

 

"These were hand delivered by your father and Iruka-sensei," Asuma sighs, Shikamaru winces, "so it's fair to say _yes_ , we are _definitely_ being punished, or _I am_ at least," he says darkly.

 

"Kami, remind me to avoid the Academy for a while," Shikamaru groans.

 

"He means well… they both do," Asuma mutters absentmindedly as he thumbs a form. He reads the first few paragraphs of the form. He looks over to Shikamaru who is scowling rather adorably at his sheet of paper.

 

He grips the form in his hands tightly.

 

Asuma stares at Shikamaru for a few more moments before he signs the form, folds it, and tucks carefully it in a pocket of his vest.

 

He pulls the next form off the top of the pile, scans it, and grins mischievously. Asuma underlines one of the dot-points and offers it to Shikamaru, "give this one a read," he says innocently.

 

Shikamaru accepts the form, reads it, and promptly flushes.

 

He signs it and shoves it back into Asuma's open hand, "and why exactly have you deemed it necessary to underline _no sexual behaviour in the workplace_ on the 'Appropriate Conduct in the Workplace' form, Asuma?" he deadpans.

 

"I would have signed it first for both of us but _I wasn't sure about your feelings regarding sexual behaviour in the workplace, Shikamaru_ ," he employs a guileless expression, "and in a healthy relationship both parties should communicate and _feel comfortable in letting the other person know what they're into and I mean_ ** _'into' in the sexual sen_** _-"_

 

"Kami _, no_ , the answer is no alright? I'm very much happy with _absolutely no sexual behaviour in the workplace_ ," Shikamaru snatches the pen off of Asuma and signs the form and shoves it at Asuma, his laugh is exasperated.  
 

"Okay, well that's good to know," Asuma says pleasantly, "and I hope you know I would have supported you whatever your answer had been because this is a healthy rela-"

 

" _Okay_! _Alright_ , what's **this** form!" Shikamaru interrupts him loudly and grabs the nearest form and pretends to concentrate very hard on it. The slight upturn of his lip gives him away though.

 

Also the faint tinge of pink lingering over the high-points of his cheekbones.

 

Asuma watches him fondly for a few moments. His chest is warm and he feels his smile before he realises it's there.

 

_He's in too deep, isn't he?_

 

It feels like the sheet of paper in his vest pocket is burning a hole in his chest.

 

_-_

 

_Form 489: Spousal Support in the Event of Unforeseen Mission-Related Death._

 

_Signed: Sarutobi Asuma_

 

_Spouse (or Equivalent): Shikamaru Nara_

 

 

_Now_

Ino immediately punches him in the shoulder when she sees him, "that's for ditching us to investigate your own lead and only _leaving us a scroll to let us know_ , I swear I'm going to _kill_ you,", she doesn't see Kakashi or Genma subtly shaking their heads, "I'm guessing you didn't _find him_ , but did you find _anything_ at least?" she asks hopefully.

 

Choji places a hand on her shoulder, expression solemn. "Let's let them share what they found with us and we can share what we've found out too."

 

Though Shikamaru wants nothing more than to collapse onto a bed, throw up some sound barriers, and just cry _openly_ and _loudly_ , he instead nods and suggests they reconvene somewhere more private to discuss their findings.

 

As he turns to leave, Ino grabs his arm and tugs him to the side. "We'll be right behind you guys," she says brightly to the rest of the group.

 

She waits for everyone to be out of earshot before she turns to Shikamaru. Her big blue eyes are wide and her expression is apologetic. "I'm sorry about before, I should have read the situation and the mood better," she bites her lip, "I was a shitty ninja and worse, a shitty _friend_."

 

Shikamaru sighs but he doesn't hold it against her, "it's forgotten, don't worry about it," he says honestly.

 

"I guess I'm also frantic to get our oaf of a sensei back," she laughs softly. Something in Shikamaru's expression must crumple, because Ino's brow furrows and she pulls him into a hug. "Don't give up Shika-"

 

"You didn't see what we saw," he whispers into the pale gold strands of her hair. "There was _blood_ and… and his cigarette… and _then_ ** _nothing_**." He steps away and tries to calm his breathing, "it _… fuck,_ it doesn't look good," he says hopelessly.

 

Ino wordlessly grabs his hand and starts pulling him to catch up with the rest of the team.

 

After a few metres she looks back at him and her expression is determined, she rolls her eyes, "look I know you think there wouldn't be any intel in the village but Kurenai-sensei, Choji, and I found _something_ that could be important, alright?" she huffs angrily.

 

She glares, eyes blazing, "and _Kami_ , I thought you grew out of that thing you always do where _you seem to actively look for reasons to give up_."

 

Shikamaru would be a lot more offended, or really offended at all, if:

  1. Ino wasn't pretty much 100% correct (the truth may hurt, but Shikamaru doesn't get offended by it), and,
  2. _They found_ ** _something_**.



 

 

_Now_

They catch up to the rest of the group quickly and Shikamaru gestures for everyone to take a seat around the table inside the humble inn. Kurenai throws up a sound barrier just to be on the safe side. 

 

Shikamaru sits down and politely declines Genma's innocuous offer to relay their findings. Shikamaru knows he means well, but the Hokage put him in charge of this mission _in-spite of_ his emotional involvement for a reason, and Shikamaru is many things but he's also a _capable_ leader, and as a leader, he can't let his team see him crack.

 

He mentally breathes a sigh of relief that none of the jōnin he selected for this mission are the type to resent taking orders from a chūnin, one with the ear of the Hokage and (allegedly) one of the brightest minds of the village mind you, but a chūnin nonetheless.

 

He takes a deep breath and speaks slowly and evenly, including all pertinent facts and deferring to Kakashi and Genma's observations where necessary. Choji, Ino, and Kurenai listen silently. 

 

Shikamaru starts describing the final clearing they ended up in and if anyone notices his voice starting to crack they all have the decency not to comment on it.

 

"… The presumed blood loss compounded with the length of time that has likely passed suggests-" Shikamaru stops and needs to steady his breathing and get his facial expression back under control, he can already feel the tell-tale burning in the corners of his eyes. "The facts suggest he's dead already, wherever he is."

 

Kakashi is the one to break the ensuing silence, though Ino's glare is very pointed too. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves," he suggests, "what did the others manage to uncover?"

 

Kurenai tucks a strand of her ebony hair behind an ear and begins, "for the first day we tried to trace Asuma's steps and we spoke to a restaurant owner who mentioned there had been a few missing children from the orphanage. They went missing around the same time Asuma was in town. Not too many that would be suspicious though. "

 

Kurenai's brow is furrowed as she continues, "only three or four children… it was presumed they ran away, which I _suppose_ is a logical conclusion to draw but when we dug a little further we found out the three closest villages had also had the same thing happen. A few missing orphans. No suspicion of foul play. All roughly the same age. All within the same two weeks."

 

Ino chimes in, unable to help herself, "no doubt Asuma-sensei would have found out and investigated. He would never forget about missing kids just because they were orphans," _like the rest of the villagers,_ her indignant tone implies.

 

Shikamaru's chest twinges painfully because _she's right_.

 

Kurenai nods, "we did a little more digging yesterday," Choji lays down a map and points out the four villages where the disappearances occurred, "and it just so happens this was the last village where the orphans disappeared."

 

Shikamaru's head snaps up, "do we know the order of the disappearances and time frame?" he asks briskly.

 

Choji nods and points to a village circled in blue ink, "this was the first," his finger moves a few centimetres, "then this one a week later," he taps a third one, "this one five days later." His fingers settle on the final blue circle, "this was the last one, only three days later. Around a week and a half ago, two days before Asuma would have arrived here."

 

Genma's eyes narrow, he points to a village a few centimetres away from this village, "this one is right on the path they seem to be following." He chews thoughtfully on his senbon, "it'd only be about half a day's worth of travel away, and it's big enough that it's almost guaranteed to have an orphanage as well."

 

"Not to mention, we found the blood and the cigarette around here," Kakashi's index finger hovers over an area between the last village with a disappearance and the village Genma is pointing to. "I think it's more likely than not that-"

 

"-That they were planning on hitting up that village until someone- _Asuma_ got himself involved," Shikamaru finishes for him quietly. Kakashi doesn't appear annoyed at being interrupted, he just inclines his head in agreement.

 

Kurenai is smiling, it’s a tentative thing, but her crimson eyes are gleaming. "Knowing now what you've found… it seems possible," she drags a finger over the distance between the two villages, "it seems likely they'll come back for that last village."

 

"And soon too," Ino says solemnly.

    

Shikamaru steeples his fingers, his eyes dart across the map and his thoughts fly. "Given how they were leaving less and less time between abductions I'd say they had intended to hit that last village only a day or two later, in that case they've been waylaid by roughly two weeks and are probably antsy to get this done."

 

Everyone is nodding, "which means we-"

 

"Need to get moving?" Kakashi interjects cooly. Shikamaru actually laughs, short and surprised, he probably deserved that.

 

"Yes, we need to get to that village as soon as possible." 

 

Everyone stands up and Shikamaru instructs them to pack and be ready to go in ten minutes.

 

As they make to leave he stops them all again. Shikamaru leans against the wall and crosses his arms, he stubbornly stares at the floor, "as far as I'm concerned, this is still most likely a body retrieval, I don't want anyone getting their hopes up and then being disappointed with the reality."    

 

Sensing the tension he lifts his head and offers a conciliatory wry smile, "of course there is still a non-zero chance that the sucker is still alive and kicking, _but_ I want everyone to stay realistic, basically, don't have too much hope."

 

No one brings up the fact that Shikamaru's warning sounds as much for himself as it is for the others.

 

 

_Then_

"So…" and Shikamaru should really have anticipated an uncomfortably invasive question from his mother's exaggeratedly casual tone, "Asuma-san, what are your thoughts on children and marriage."

 

"Sweet kami," Shikamaru's head smacks against the table.

 

"Language," Yoshino says without batting an eye as she stares down Asuma. Unnervingly accommodating smile never once leaving her face.

 

"It's way too soon for those kinds of questions, _mother_ ," Shikamaru hisses.

 

"Maybe for you Shikamaru but I'm asking _Asuma-san,"_ the sharp upward inflection on Asuma's name makes all three men wince.

 

"Surely you've thought about it, or see it in your future, however far away it may be," Shikakau says reasonably. 

 

Asuma rubs the back of his neck, aware of the intense scrutiny he's under from all three Naras, "well… yeah, I guess it's always been something I'd intend to have one day… should m … should my partner want the same, of course," he trails off scolding himself mentally for his faint blush.

 

"… Well… no complaints here on my end," Shikamaru mutters, staring stubbornly at the teapot.

 

"Well, that's good that you're both on the same page," Yoshino's smile is softer, watching the two men avoid eyecontact with eachother. Her eyes are sparkling and Asuma breathes a sigh of relief.

 

Shikaku smirks mischievously, "plus there are a lot of good kids in orphanages who could use a family," he adds, offhand.

 

Shikamaru groans internally _, oh here we go._

 

 _"_ Oh yes absolutely, Shikakau-sama, there are far too many kids in the orphanage, and each one of them deserves a loving family and all the opportunities they will, sadly,  eventually be deprived of," Asuma agrees passionately. 

 

Shikamaru glares at his father who smiles serenely back at him over his steaming tea. His mother smothers a laugh behind her own cup when Shikamaru turns his withering glare on her as well.

 

"We're not adopting kids Asuma, you can't even take care of laundry, much less human children" Shikamaru whisper warningly. 

 

Asuma just shrugs sheepishly, "just you know… maybe in the _future_."

 

He sounds so earnest, and Shikamaru can't help his exasperatedly fond smile, "yeah I guess… you'll- _we'll_ have a house full of orphans and dirty laundry. Sounds nice, Asuma."

 

The effect is ruined slightly by the affection that creeps into his voice.

 

 

_Now_

They set out immediately, moving at an almost desperate speed. There's a very noticeable atmosphere of _please let this not be in vain, please let this lead take them to an alive Asuma._

 

And _Shikamaru_ , Shikamaru feels like he's got _whiplash_ from swearing off hope and changing his mind far too many times in the past few days. Shikamaru feels like the involuntary hope in his chest is an unwelcome house-guest, stealing away in his bruised and battered heart because he cannot bear to evict it and allow the grief to settle in there permanently.

 

The hope is burning so violently it feels like it will devour him whole.

 

_I told you._

 

_I told you._

 

_Be careful. Come home quickly._

 

_Please._

 

_Please._

 

_Please._

 

_Please be okay._

 

_Please be_ **_alive_ ** _._

 

Their feet are silent as they tear through the forest, eyes trained on their surroundings, and bodies primed for a fight to finally bring Asuma home.

 

_Just_ **_wait_ ** _for me_ **_._ **

 

The forest blurs around them and Shikamaru reluctantly stops them to set up camp when the sky begins to darken and Choji places a hand on his shoulder.

 

They'll get there tomorrow by morning.

 

_Just wait a little longer._

 

**_Please._ **

 

_-_

 

Shikamaru has no strong feelings toward the infamous Hatake "copy-nin" Kakashi. He is neither awe-struck admirer nor demystified friend of the enigmatic jōnin, and it does sometimes seem like the entire village can be split down the middle. Everyone is either one or the other it would seem (barring, ironically, Gai-sensei who seems to have a foot in either camp).

 

So yeah, Shikamaru doesn't really have any strong feelings towards Kakashi, he _is_ sworn to secrecy over Ino's short-lived crush on the jōnin though, which, all things said, was _a very amusing two weeks_.

 

However, Shikamaru respects the silver-haired ninja: respects the impressive body-count, the near perfect mission-record, the exceptionally sharp mind, the brilliant shinobi he has guided and turned out as sensei, not to mention the fact that he can still smile so brightly every day in spite of everything the universe has thought fit to hurl at him, thought fit to _take away_ from him.

 

It's all _impressive_ , to say the least.

 

Shikamaru reminds himself of all of these things to restrain himself from telling the jōnin to _fuck off_ when he sits himself down beside Shikamaru and smiles.

 

They're setting up camp for the night and there seems to be an unspoken agreement not to disturb Shikamaru. He's very much fine with this.

 

Or he would be if Kakashi had gotten that memo.

 

Shikamaru's eyes narrow and Kakashi continues smiling cheerfully, "obviously you're not _okay_ but you seem even more _not okay_ today even though we have a promising lead. Even Genma was worried and he doesn't even like anyone," he says simply.

 

Genma looks vaguely annoyed, leaning against a nearby tree sharpening his weapons, "fuck off 'Kashi," he says without heat, "but yeah, you look awful, kid," he admits.

 

Shikamaru can't even summon his usual annoyance over the 'kid' comment. He offers them a sarcastic smile, deliberately wan, "yeah, I probably look awful, a _nd guess what_ , I fucking _feel awful too_."

 

Genma winces but Kakashi cocks his head. "Yeah, but _why_? Outside of the obvious I mean," Kakashi asks anyway.

 

That makes Shikamaru frown, Kakashi's irritatingly sunny stubbornness aside no one's properly asked, or considered there might be more to Shikamaru's grief and concern than simply the fear that his lover is dead or gravely injured.

 

Shikamaru stares at an overgrown patch of grass a few feet in front of him, the longer blades of grass flutter in the gentle evening breeze.

 

Shikamaru focuses on the grass and speaks in a low voice, "I'm scared the last thing I told him was to _fucking go already_."

 

The longest blade of grass moves in a frenzied, agitated dance in time with Shikamaru's thumping heart. "I'm scared that I didn't tell him I love him before he left."

 

He realises that somewhere along the line he started shaking but he can't stop the words now, now that he's finally saying them out loud, "I'm scared that if I _did_ say it… he _didn't_ hear it."

 

He tries to swallow around the lump that has materialised in his throat, "… I'm scared I squandered my last chance to say it to him."

 

He rips his gaze from the grass and looks up at the twinkling stars, blinking slowly through the wetness, "I'm scared the next time I say it, I'll be saying it to a cold, dead body."

 

It's dead silent in the clearing, air thick with uncomfortable tension. It occurs to Shikamaru that he shouldn't be surprised if everyone else was eavesdropping. He was sharing secrets and they are shinobi after all.

 

Kakashi breaks the silence, "we don't know what happened, right now there are too any loose ends," he says calmly. "Don't give up hope so quickly. You may still get to tell him." His voice is even, " _however_ , if all that's left is… a dead body, well… who's to say that he can't still hear you from wherever he is if you say it anyway?"

 

Shikamaru's laugh is completely devoid of mirth.

 

Kakashi ignores him, "you may find yourself feeling slightly better if you say it out loud, whether he's dead or alive." He shrugs, "surely you feel at least marginally better after saying all that out loud?"

 

Shikamaru doesn't reply but he does concede that Kakashi made a valid point.

 

He feels slightly less like he's drowning in the grief… in the _guilt._

 

(It's a close thing though.)

 

 

_Then_

Asuma's eyes dart to the living room and when he's satisfied no one in can hear them in the kitchen he takes a deep breath, "if I die on a mission… " Asuma starts before Shikamaru cuts him off.

 

" _Wow_ , way to bring the mood down _on your birthday of all days_ ," he drawls placing the last candle on the birthday cake with a little bit more force than is strictly necessary.

 

Asuma is undeterred, "if I die on a mission… I…" he swallows, "I want you to move on with your life," he's pensive and staring at the cake. "I want you to find love again, to maintain your friendships, remain close with your family, keep serving your village- you can grieve, but I don't want you to grieve for too long and I want you to find reasons to smile every day afterwards."

 

"… I sincerely hope you're joking about all of this," Shikamaru says lazily but there's a threat implicit in the sharpness of his tone. Asuma frowns but Shikamaru ignores him, "you don't get to back out of this _you fucker_."

 

His tone is withering, "I love you Asuma, if you die I'll be _devastated_ , no two ways about it, you _selfish fucker_ , and _thank you_ for the **_permission_** to grieve, you piece of shit," he seethes.

 

His hands are gripping the sides of the table, knuckles white, "if you die, a part of me- the part of me that is _yours-_ will also be _dead_ , so you're just going to have to accept responsibility for that. Don't give me any of this, back-pedalling, _self-effacing_ , **_bullshit_** _._ "

 

Asuma doesn't know how to respond to any of this. Shikamaru picks up the cake knife with one hand and the birthday cake with the other. He thrusts the handle of the knife into Asuma's slack hand and guides his fingers around it. He leans up into Asuma's face, "so hit _harder_ and dodge _faster_ , old man," he says severely.

 

With that, he stalks into the living room with the birthday cake (to the oblivious cheers of their gathered friends).

 

Asuma is left clutching the knife limply as Shikamaru swivels around, "are you going to join us, Birthday boy?" His tone still carries some traces of its earlier sharpness.

 

Asuma finds himself unconsciously smiling softly to himself.

 

_The brat always manages to surprise him._

 

_And oh how he loves him, not in spite of it but,_ **_for it_ ** _._

 

 

_Now_

When they arrive at the village Shikamaru sends Ino to talk to the people running the orphanage. Genma is directed to stay a distance away and keep eyes on the orphanage and backup Ino is necessary. Kakashi and Choji are directed to move through the village and see if there are any suspicious persons or anything of interest.

 

Kurenai and Shikamaru set out to check out the surrounding woodland.

 

Shikamaru sneaks away for a moment under the pretence of needing to check his supplies, he motions for Kakashi to follow him at the last moment and asks him to summon Pakkun. Kakashi does so without comment but Shikamaru would swear the bastard is smiling under his mask.

 

With shaking hands Shikamaru writes a few lines on a piece of paper, and with a shaking voice, he tells Pakkun to inform the Hokage that he's calling on her to fulfil her promise to join the mission.

 

It'll take her and her Anbu guard at least two days to get here though.

 

Kakashi doesn't ask for any clarification but Shikamaru offers one anyway, he's come to appreciate the silent perceptiveness of the jōnin. "This doesn't mean I think he'll be alive," he swallows, " _but if he is_ we'll need a medic-nin and Kakashi-sensei, when am I anything but prepared for every possibility?"

 

Kakashi smiles, Shikamaru can see the tension in the set of his shoulders though. Sometimes he gets caught up in his own head that he almost forgets how close Kakashi and Kurenai are to Asuma as well, they've known him for almost all their lives after all. This mission must be wearing on them too despite their appearances.

 

It's a testament to how distracted and caught up in his own despair Shikamaru has been, that he'd be surprised that the success of this mission would also be a heavy burden on them as well.

 

"Aye aye," Kakashi salutes.

 

He tries to convey his apology, his understanding, his _respect_ in his solemn nod. It's not perfect but Kakashi's softer, more genuine smile lets Shikamaru know that he got the general idea.

 

 

_Now_

They regroup that afternoon, it's a sombre gathering.

 

No suspicious activity yet.

 

All orphans accounted for.

 

 **Nothing**... Barring a giant rock formation, about a kilometre outside of the village with suspicious chakra field surrounding it.

 

They hadn't gone close enough to properly assess it. Kurenai immediately halted Shikamaru, "there's a genjutsu on that rock, it's…" she frowned, "it's not a rock, but I wouldn't suggest going any closer, we don't know if it's under observation or if anyone can see us from behind the jutsu."  

 

The cups of tea sit cold and untouched on the table.

 

"Surely they would have tried to abduct the children at the first opportunity," Kurenai purses her lips, "in fact, it's been over two weeks since Asuma would presumably have intervened, provided they haven't suffered injuries too severe they should have been here and long gone by now."

 

"That's been bothering me too," Shikamaru mutters darkly.

 

He stares at their map.

 

He feels like he's missing something very big and very obvious.

 

He mentally runs through all the facts they have so far.

 

Slowly an idea comes to him.

 

"… Unless something came up that became _more important_ ," he says slowly, it felt like undoing a particularly complicated knot, that satisfying moment of a jigsaw piece slotting perfectly into place. "… Not unless something came up that _changed_ the plan, forced them to divert from it."

 

Choji and Ino are watching him, familiar with the nature of his thinking process.

 

"But what could it be? They're still nearby if the genjutsu is anything to go by, why stay close unless you intend to eventually follow through with the rest of the plan?" Genma's brow furrows.

 

"Asuma is the only intervening act here to our knowledge, and after his involvement we have an abnormally long delay. If they had killed him they'd have carried on with their plan and continued on their merry way, and even if they were injured they'd only be delayed by a few days at most, as Kurenai pointed out."

 

Shikamaru's head is bowed and he steeples his fingers, "either way they'd almost definitely have blown through this village by now and been long gone, there's no real reason for them to also be stationed nearby but seemingly in no rush to hit this village as well."

 

His eyes are alight, he's lost in thought as all the pieces come together, "I mean if you think about it their plan has been almost flawless so far, after all none of the villages were even remotely suspicious, plus they're getting good at this, _efficient_ , they're able to move faster and faster between villages. The only one to smell a rat was Asuma, _Asuma is the intervening act_."

 

Shikamaru sits back suddenly, and though he still has dark circles under his eyes and is still a whisper paler and thinner than usual, he looks more _alive_ than he has in a while. "… _Asuma is the intervening act, Asuma changed the plan."_ He looks up at his enraptured audience, _"I think_ the only explanation is that they want something from Asuma," he lets out a shuddering breath, " _fuck,_ I think they've got him and they keeping him _alive._ "

 

He looks around at the dumbstruck faces around the room. Even Kakashi looks mildly surprised which is saying something for the normally inscrutable ninja. Genma's mouth is open.

 

Kurenai looks on the verge of shocked tears, "you figured it out _,"_ she breathes incredulously, _you didn't give up on him_.

 

"Glad you joined us on the _hope_ -team, it was getting pretty lonely without you," Ino says trying to mask her relief with teasing. Her lower lip is trembling though.

 

Shikamaru lets out a shuddering breath _._

 

_All this bother over you_ **_idiot,_ ** _so you better be alive, Asuma._

 

_We're coming to get you._

 

_Please, don't let this all be for nothing._

 

 

_Then_

Kakashi brushes some lint off his vest and says casually, “this will probably end badly.”

 

Asuma scowls, “Kakashi's vote of no confidence is noted, Kakashi's status as a shitty friend is also noted,” he says. 

 

Anko pipes up beaming, “ooh put me down for it being a disaster of epic 'car-crash-fire-explosion-boom-boom' proportions,” Asuma scowls even harder as Anko gleefully mimes an explosion.

 

"Look, I'm letting all of you know that _this is happening_ , I was hoping for some support but I see I overestimated you guys."

 

Kakashi clears his throat, "you didn’t let me finish, I think this will _probably_ end badly… but I also think it just might work out this time around."

 

That makes Asuma pause, "thanks." He shakes his head, "I mean I think it will as well, it uh…" he smiles to himself, "it feels different this time… it feels … it feels like we're _ready_ to do together. I think we're _ready._ "

 

"Well that's a fucking relief," Genma calls out from behind his newspaper.

 

The ensuing laughter is mostly supportive. Mostly. Kami, he really shouldn't have done this in the break-room. Lesson well and truly learnt. 

 

"I mean of all the lost-causes, you just had to pick this one didn't you," Hayate questions lazily.

 

Gai slings an arm around Asuma's shoulder companionably, "sometimes the fiery heat of passion consumes you, but I trust Asuma will not be burned to a crisp by the flames of his love." Asuma doesn't feel as comforted by this as Gai presumably thought he would.

 

"Everyone lay off Asuma," Kurenai stirs her coffee as the room quiets, "as _friends_ it is our job to be supportive of Asuma's decisions," Asuma breathes a sigh of relief, "even if they are _objectively foolish_." He's back to scowling as everyone resumes howling with laughter.

 

"But," she continues, "if it makes him as happy as we've all noticed it has, then, as _friends_ , as ninja who know all too well how fleeting life and how rare happiness can be, how can we be anything but supportive."

 

Asuma mouths an awed, _thank you,_ and Kurenai just nods, expressive eyes warm and knowing _._

 

"Hear hear," Anko raises a flask and- w _here the fuck did that come from_ \- before long everyone in the room has some sort of drinking vessel raised to Asuma's chagrin. "Here's to Asuma and Shikamaru, may their love be as beautiful and pure as that of Romeo and Juliet but not doomed to a tragic double suicide." 

 

"I hate every single one of you," Asuma announces amidst everyone eagerly downing their drinks.

 

 

_Now_

The next day dawns and Shikamaru sends Genma and Choji to keep an eye on the orphanage.

 

The rest of the team scope out the rock in question. They watch it for the entire day and aren't able to find any weakness.

 

Any comings or goings.

 

Any weakness on the surface.

 

Any way to infiltrate or disable it from the outside.

 

It's just a lone rock with one hell of a genjutsu being cast upon it.

 

They're running out of time and they didn't have much to begin with.

 

-

 

That evening they come together again to try to form some semblance of a plan.  Shikamaru doesn't even need to ask to know that everyone is getting edgy. Knowing (or as close as they can be) that Asuma is alive and right there, but not being able to take action is _tortuous_.

 

Choji and Genma report no changes at the orphanage. No missing kids. No strange visitors. Nothing.

 

"Maybe they're not even here for the kids," Ino wonders aloud.

 

"No, they wouldn’t insist on being located so close to the village, it makes no sense unless they intend to target this orphanage as well," Kakashi says.

 

"Then why are they waiting so long," Ino asks. "The longer they stay, the higher the possibility of someone stumbling upon them, or even coming to investigate the disappearances," she reasons. 

 

 "Maybe they're keeping the option open for now …" Choji says doubtfully, "… maybe they need Asuma-sensei for something before they can come for the kids?"

 

Genma shakes his head, "we can't just sit around and wait for them to decide to kidnap the kids," he says warily.

 

"No we can't," Shikamaru agrees.

 

Kurenai had been silent for the entire discussion, expression unreadable, but her fingers have been tapping impatiently against the underside of the table. Shikamaru knows because can just see the edges of the dancing shadows out of the corner of his eye. "Then we draw them out, use henges to disguise ourselves as kids and force their hands," she proposes.

 

Shikamaru considers this, "it's messy and desperate," he admits, "but it might be our best bet."

 

He looks around the room, assessing the team had assembled. "Kurenai, Genma, and I will act as bait, straight into the belly of the beast." He looks across the table, the candle-light flickers, "Choji, Ino, and Kakashi, I need you three to handle things from the outside, hopefully we can disable the genjutsu over the presumed hideout, but then you'll need to keep that momentum and we might need back up," he contemplates the plan as is. "Kakashi if it comes to a ground fight I'll need you to assess the situation and you may need to go guide the Hokage and her Anbu guard here as quickly as possible, because if we find Asuma then getting them to him will be paramount, not to mention we'll likely need reinforcements."

 

The three jōnin look very sceptical of this plan.

 

Shikamaru knows they're not thrilled with the prospect of leaving a fight with so many uncertain variables up to Ino and Choji. Ino and Choji definitely don't look like they want to back down but there's a healthy dash of concern there too. Shikamaru would be concerned for their sense of self-preservation if it wasn't there.   

 

He looks up and stares straight at Ino and Choji. "If it comes to a fight I need you two to try and contain it. I've known you two for almost all my life, I know you can handle this, I trust you with my life _," I trust you to handle things while I try and get Asuma back_.

 

_I'm trusting you two because you are two of the people I trust most in the world._

 

 

"The Hokage should be here midday at the earliest, the fight will likely draw them to us, so we just need to contain it until then, and I know we can, I know Asuma needs us to be able to."

 

Shikamaru looks around and counts five-pairs of eyes blazing with determination.

 

"He's waited long enough," he says simply, "let's bring him home."

 

 

_Now_

Kurenai's brow is furrowed in concentration as she performs the hand signs. She immediately shrinks into a small blonde girl with large blinking violet eyes.    
 

Genma cracks his knuckles and also forms his signs and smirks as he morphs into a shaggy, inky haired boy with dirt smudged on his cheek and a smattering of freckles.

 

Shikamaru nods to Kakashi, Ino, and Choji before copying the hand signs. He concentrates on child-like features, knobbly knees, a fading sunburn on a button nose, and unkempt, dirty blonde hair. He's seen the boy running around the village back home.

 

Before they set off, the other three will hang back so as not to arouse suspicion, Shikamaru pulls Choji, and Ino aside. It's disconcerting talking to them both beneath the henge but he needs to say this, "if we're in there too long Ino I want you to try a mind-transfer." Ino looks dubious, "try to latch onto any one of us three, it'll be tough but I believe in you."

 

"I'll tell Kurenai and Genma but you'll need to convince Kakashi about this next part, sorry about that." He takes a deep breath, "if it comes down to it… comes down to either Asuma or me, I need you two to get Asuma out of there."

 

Choji is stone faced and he's shaking his head before Shikamaru finishes, Ino's thunderous rage is clear from her expression and angry tears. "You can't possibly-" she hissed.

 

" ** _No_** \- this isn't up for debate, I plan on getting us all out in one-piece of course," he swallows, " _but_ if it comes down to it, as your mission leader, as your teammate, and as **_your friend_** I need you to get Asuma out and-" Shikamaru spares a glance at the three jōnin who, though a little wary, don't seem to suspect their current topic of conversation.

 

"… and I need you to tell him _I love him_ and that it's his turn to keep that promise he wanted me to make on his birthday," at their questioning looks he assures them, "he'll know what I mean. _Please_ ," he begs.

 

Choji grips his hand and squeezes, "you two are my best friends, you are my family, so _okay_ , go get him, we'll- we'll do it," he pushes Shikamaru towards the other three.

 

Ino's looks between them shocked, she looks **_furious_** but she pulls Shikamaru into a hug, "I won't make any promises _but go bring him home_ , we'll handle the rest, we've got your back, always have and always will" she whispers fiercely into his ear.

 

Ino turns to Choji as Shikamaru walks over to Kurenai and Genma. Kakashi ambles over to the two younger ninja. "Are you serious? You'd let him make you promise that?" Ino accuses Choji before Kakashi is in earshot.

 

"I told him what he wanted, what he thought he needed, to hear," Choji says lowly. "But I'm going to drag them both out of there with my bare hands if I have to," he declares lowly.

 

Ino nods understanding, "I'll be right there next to you."

 

-

 

Kurenai and Genma nod to Shikamaru as they approach the rock.

 

 _Here goes_. "See! It's so nice, we don't need to go back to the orphanage, it's so nice out here," Shikamaru insists loudly, making sure he sounds appropriately child-like.

 

"I don't know," Kurenai mumbles grabbing onto Genma's arm, her lower lip trembles _, nice touch_ , "maybe we should go back," she suggests meekly.

 

"It's okay," Genma smiles at Kurenai, he looks every inch the brave little boy trying to comfort his friend, "we're going on an adventure!"

 

They wander in front of the rock and Shikamaru notices Kurenai blink a few times, trying to get a better sense of the genjutsu most likely.

 

He presumes their plan is working, they'll now have an audience.

 

He leans against the rock, "don't worry, we're going on an adventure and we have each other and that's all we'll need! We don't need parents or the orphanage or anything as long as we have each other!"        

 

Shikamaru is ready for the hand grabbing his ankle and yanking him backwards but he still yells and screams. Kurenai and Genma make sure to do the same when they get pulled behind them as well.

 

_And so it begins._

 

Shikamaru feels himself being carried and looks around to confirm Kurenai and Genma are also being carried by what appears to be two men. Kurenai nods to him from where she's flung over a broad shoulder and Genma winks from under the man's other muscled arm. They keep yelling and Kurenai's cries and sniffling are particularly convincing.

 

It's a dark cave judging by the reverberations of sound and the inherent cool, dampness in the air. A giant cave… right under their noses. Kami he hopes they weren't in over their heads.

 

"What are the odds eh," the taller man says, "rounds out the brood perfectly," he grumbles. "Boss will be happy."

 

"Yeah right," the other man dismisses, "the prisoner still isn't complying, and the kids are getting annoying."

 

All three of their ears perk up _, prisoner…. Asuma?_

 

"Boss is still inside right?" the shorter man asks.

 

"Yeah, trying to get the prisoner to fucking talk and agree to train the kids."

 

_Train the kids… fuck, what did Asuma manage to stumble upon?_

 

The two men stop in front of a large stone door. _This is it_. 

 

Shikamaru nods at Genma and Kurenai and mouths _now_. They're out of the two men's grasp and the clink of kunai ensure the two men are dead before they hit the ground.

 

The door stares them down. Genma and Kurenai quickly morph back into their normal form., Shikamaru maintains his henge, at their questioning looks he smiles darkly, "we're walking into lord knows what, we'll need an ace up our sleeves, so you two should transform into two guards."

 

"He's not going to buy it for long," Genma says uneasily, eyeing the two large men.

 

"He doesn't need to, we just need to catch him off guard," Shikamaru counters. They shrug and do as Shikamaru instructs.

 

"Well…. I guess all that's left now is-"

 

"Oh and by the way," Shikamaru interrupts Genma, he stares resolutely at the door, "if it comes down to it, to _him_ or me, as your team leader I'm ordering you to get _him_ out alive."

 

"… I was going to ask if you thought these guys were the type to knock first, but what you said seems much more stupid," Genma says evenly, eyes narrowed.

 

"Shikamaru..." Kurenai says softly.

 

"It's an order," Shikamaru cuts them both off.

 

Kurenai and Genma exchange a look but Shikamaru doesn't have time to interrogate them about it.

 

"Also, I think you should forgo knocking," he adds conversationally.

 

"Fucking _kid,"_ Genma mutters under his breath but he and Kurenai each grab one of Shikamaru's shoulders in a big grubby hand and push the door open.

 

-

 

Shikamaru ran through so many possibilities of what they'd find on the other side of that door but it's still jarring to be confronted with the reality of what's really there.

 

Kurenai almost falters at the doorway but she catches herself just in time. Shikamaru has to concentrate extra hard to ensure his henge is still holding. Genma is a solid, unwavering presence at his side, thank goodness.

 

Asuma is hanging upside down from the roof, blood oozing and dripping from a gash on his side. Face battered. Arms tied to his sides but judging by the awkward angle of his left wrist and the swelling on his right elbow. Broken.

 

_Shikamaru's breath gets caught in his throat anyway because he may be broken and bruised and bleeding, but the rise and fall of his chest mean_ **_he's alive._ **

 

Behind him are about a dozen small children shackled to the wall and shaking in terror. Each and every one of their little faces are scared and smudged with dirt and tears.

 

"What have you brought me you oafs?"

 

A man is standing next to Asuma. Jagged knife held in one hand and explosive tag clutched in the other. His hair is grey, not the silver of moonlight like Kakashi, but a sallow sickly grey. His body is thin and wiry and though his eyes are sunken in they're a shiny black, like the polished shell of a beetle.

 

Shikamaru is instantly wary. 

 

"I was about to start testing the legendary Will of Fire," he waves the tag around, "accordingly of course," he grins, teeth glinting in the sole source of light, a small lamp. It casts rolling, shuddering shapes across the walls as the flame flickers.

 

"We found this runt wandering around outside, he ran away from the orphanage on _an adventure_ ," Genma sneers without missing a beat. Thank fuck for Genma.

 

"Oh really now!" the man's eyes light up when they land on Shikamaru, "how fortunate!" Shikamaru's eyes are trained on the tag. _An explosive tag? Perhaps something to burn instead? Either way Shikamaru will die before he lets that piece of shit activate that anywhere near Asuma_.

 

The man lopes over, bends down, and leans into Shikamaru's face, "it's nice to meet you, young man, my name is Kato and it's such a shame I can see right through your little ruse, shinobi," Shikamaru reels back and he feels Kurenai stiffen.

 

They both freeze for a second. A second they can't afford.

 

Kato reaches into a pocket.

 

Genma does not make the same mistake as the other two. He instantly aims three senbon at the juncture of Kato's neck but even he's not fast enough.

 

Shikamaru drops his henge immediately and Kurenai and Genma do the same. A hail of shuriken come at him and Shikamaru only manages to dodge them at the last minute.

 

He's already feeling around and reaching for the shadows in the room when a large piece of rock dislodges from the wall and hurtles straight into his side. Shikamaru feels himself being tossed across the room, landing a few feet away from Asuma who makes a helpless sound.

 

Kato grins and swipes up a handful of senbon and points them at the shackled children behind him before the two jōnin can respond, "nobody move or I'll take out half of the kids." The kids start whimpering and sobbing.

 

"N-no… please… don't," Shikamaru lifts his pounding head at Asuma's groaning plea.

 

"Oh the noble shinobi protecting the innocent children," Kato spits, kicking Asuma in his back. Asuma's pained wheezing is so viscerally upsetting but Shikamaru fights his every screaming instinct and concentrates his chakra instead. "Well if you had agreed to train them for me that little insolent runt wouldn't have had to die a week ag-"

 

Shikamaru calls upon whatever he can and the shadows surrounding the small lamp hurl themselves at Kato's feet. His eyes widen comically and Kurenai takes the opportunity to disable the genjutsu on the cave while Genma flings himself at Kato with a kunai in either hand.

 

A sudden wave of nausea hits Shikamaru and he loses control over his jutsu for a second, but a second is all Kato needs. He rips another boulder out of the wall and flings it at Shikamaru, connecting with his back, whilst another one whips out at Kurenai and Genma forcing them to pull back.

 

Kato yanks up one of the children roughly, the little boy has dirt smeared on his face and scratches on his knees. The boy is openly crying, Kato scrabbles around for a kunai and presses it to the little boy's neck. "Take another step and I'll _slit his throat."_

 

Kurenai and Genma stop. Shikamaru's tired mind is whirring, Kato may not be a particularly strong fighter but he's got dangerous collateral at stake and they can't afford to try calling his bluff.

 

Shikamaru tries to give them a significant look, _keep him distracted, we'll just have to wait it out for reinforcements_. Kurenai lowers her head.

 

"What do you even want with the kids," she asks breathing heavily.

 

"They're going to be my army, my army of _angry little unloved children_ who will infiltrate and destroy every village that has wronged them... their forgotten children… then no one will dare make that same mistake again," he hisses sounding absolutely _unhinged_.

 

_Fuck, Shikamaru really hates the crazy ones, they're always the most unpredictable._

 

He feels desperation start gnawing at the edges of his mind along with the dull pain that generally accompanies being thumped by a giant rock. Needless to say, he gets no warning before he feels his mind being hit with what feels like an invisible brick wall.

 

It takes him a little longer than usual to place the jarring sensation, ah… _mind transfer._ It's a wonder Ino managed to catch him in it, but he doesn't have the time or the strength to dwell on this, he just concentrates and mentally shouts _we need back up,_ ** _he's_** _alive, we found the children, we need back up,_ ** _he's_** _alive, we found the children,_ until it reverberates around his brain and he's certain she's got it.

 

Then, before he's properly come to terms with the sensation, he's alone inside his aching head again, and the brick wall is gone.

 

He groggily looks around the dark room, luckily Genma and Kurenai seem to be the only ones who noticed his momentary incapacitation, Genma inclines his head by a fraction in understanding.

 

"The forgotten ones are always the most dangerous after all," Kato sneers venomously, not having noticed anything astray.

 

"So you were an angry, forgotten, and unloved orphan as well? Is that it?" Genma asks coldly, _playing along_ , keeping Kato talking, keeping him  _distracted_. Shikamaru realises belatedly that if they all manage to get out of this in one piece, he thinks he and Genma just might become good friends. 

 

Kato bares his teeth, continuing his vitriolic spiel, "Konoha loves all its children doesn't it… well _almost a_ ll its sons and daughters _right?"_ He presses the kunai harder into the boys throat, the boy whimpers, "I was abducted by kidnappers who were hoping to extort money from my _loving parents_ and when they realised I was just a ' _worthless orphan_ ' they dumped me in the forest… it took me almost two weeks to get home alone, and you know what?"

 

Shikamaru looks around desperately for something, anything, his eyes land on Kato's discarded tag, laying innocently in front of the trembling kid closest to him. He makes eye contact with the little girl, her brown eyes are puffy and there's a bruise on her cheek, when she looks back at him he looks furtively at the tag and then back at her. Her eyes widen and then dart to Kato, she bites her lip and nods.

 

"No one even noticed I was missing," Kato hisses.

 

Kurenai, having noticed Shikamaru's exchange with the little girl, quickly responds, "I'm sure they looked for you Kato, Konoha loves all its children," she insists egging him on. Genma is silently reaching for his back pocket too.

 

"Konoha will burn and bleed at the hands of my forgotten children and I… the leaf will be reduced to ash," Kato spits.

 

The little girl nudges the tag with her scraped knee and it flutters over to Shikamaru just as Kato turns to them. Shikamaru flings the tag at Kato, sensing Kato's momentary distraction Genma lunges at him and pushes the little boy out of his grip, Shikamaru raises his aching arms and activates tag.

 

There's a loud explosion and Kato screams.

 

_Okay, so definitely a larger explosion than he had anticipated._

 

There's an ominous rumbling. "The kids," Asuma croaks.

 

Kurenai and Genma dive for the shaking children as rock and debris scatter everywhere while the air is filled with dust.

 

Shikamaru can hear the tell-tale sounds promising oncoming structural change to the cave. If he weren't perilously close to passing out he would probably roll his eyes, _what the fuck is their luck_ , however, he _instead_ manages to use the last of his chakra and whatever remaining shadows in the vicinity to halt the giant rocks hurtling towards Asuma and the children.

 

Just as Shikamaru starts to think, _as long as that motherfucker Kato is dead and Kurenai and Genma manage to get everyone out alive, all things considered, this is probably not a terrible way to go,_ and readies himself to be crushed by rockfall he feels a shadow fall over him instead.

 

A shadow…

 

… followed by …

 

… no crushing boulder?

 

He chances a look and sees Choji stood between him and a large segment of the collapsed cave wall. Forcibly raising it above and off of Shikamaru. The brightness confuses Shikamaru momentarily and then he realises fuzzily, _oh… the side of the cave must have exploded._

 

_The brightness is… it’s the_ **_sunlight_ ** _._

 

Ino picks her way down the rock fall and pulls him out from under the rock he is wedged under. She frantically pats him down to check for any severe injuries.

 

He squints at the brightness of the outside world. He looks around, head still pounding excruciatingly, to assess the situation.

 

Tsunade has leapt down into what's left of the cave and is checking over all the children with Kurenai and Genma, the two Anbu and Kakashi are freeing Asuma and trying to secure him to a stretcher. Choji tosses the giant rock aside as he would a stray pebble and tackles Shikamaru into a hug, seconds later Shikamaru's vision is filled with golden blonde hair and he knows that Ino has joined them.

 

"I thought I told you to make sure Asuma was okay first," he says weakly.

 

"Yeah but _we both agreed_ there wasn't anything that was gonna stop us from hauling _both of you_ back _alive and in one piece_ ," Ino announces fiercely.

 

"You’re just going to have to find a way to live with that, sorry Shika," Choji's cheek is pressed against Shikamaru's neck and it's suspiciously wet.

 

Shikamaru brings his sore arms up to hold his two teammates, his two best friends, two people he, all but moments ago, thought he'd never see again. He looks over to where Asuma is now laying on a stretcher with Kakashi is crouched over him holding up three fingers and laughing at what Asuma must have just said.

 

Shikamaru holds his two best-friends in his arms, watches the steady rise and fall of Asuma's chest, and feels himself drifting out of consciousness.

 

 _Mission status: Success_.

 

Everything fades to black.

 

 

_Now_

He wakes again to the sight of fluffy clouds floating pleasantly against a cornflower blue sky. It's a welcome sight. One of Shikamaru's favourites actually.

 

For a few moments, he thinks he's dead. Thinks he's died and gone to heaven but he doesn't think his head should hurt this much if he were really in heaven. Doesn't quite live up to the expectations really.

 

_Heaven really shouldn't hurt this much._

 

"About time you woke up, _brat,_ had everyone worried," … and Shikamaru is back to thinking he's died and gone to heaven because _that's a voice he didn't think he'd get to hear ever again_.

 

_It's a little croakier than he remembers but Shikamaru hasn't heard that voice in weeks so he's not complaining._

 

He closes his eyes and is ready to accept this fate of his when his thoughts are interrupted by Kakashi's decidedly Not Heavenly drawl, " _had everyone worried?_ Try just you, Asuma. He fainted from overexerting himself, shock, and getting knocked around some big rocks."

 

Shikamaru has a lot more respect for Kakashi after this entire ordeal but this is still too much Kakashi to be heaven.

 

But there's also too much _Asuma_ for it not to be heaven unless…

 

Shikamaru's eyes widen and he sits up too quickly and immediately regrets it. His head pounds and he feels like someone has stomped on his lower back.

 

An elephant.

 

An angry elephant with a personal vendetta against him.

 

But he looks to his left and is greeted by a most wonderful sight. Better than any blue sky or cloud formation. Because lying there only a few metres away from him is a bandaged, battered, _and far too bruised for how happy his smile is_ , **Asuma**.

 

The breath gets caught in his throat. Shikamaru crawls over to him ignoring Tsunade's death glare and his body's protestations.   

 

Shikamaru holds Asuma's face in his hands and marvels that he gets to hold his world between these two hands again.

 

He's aware that the rest of the team and the two Anbu guards are standing off to the side, awkwardly looking away, a futile attempt to let them have this moment. The gesture is slightly ruined by Tsunade openly rolling her eyes at him while she continues checking over Asuma to ensure he's actually healing properly.

 

He doesn't care about any of it because all he can think of _is you can ask him now._

 

_Ask him._

 

 _Ask him_.

 

_Ask him._

 

"Di- did," Shikamaru is aware that he's started dripping salty tears onto Asuma's battered face, "did you hear what I- what I said that morning, di-did you hea-"

 

Asuma coughs, chest shaking and Tsunade shoots both of them a sharp look, she presses a hand against Asuma's chest, "shut up," she tells him but he keeps coughing.

 

"Yes." Asuma's hand comes up and Shikamaru immediately offers his own hand to him, Asuma grips it tight and his coughing subsides slightly, "yes," he coughs again and Tsunade settles on a frustrated huff and a vicious but resigned glare. Asuma is undeterred by her ire, either slightly delirious or uncaring _or both_. "Y-yes, I was careful, I- I couldn't come home as- as quickly as I wanted to but…" Shikamaru is openly crying now, it feels like the weight on his chest for the past few weeks has vanished, he feels so light, so weightless. He feels like he'll float away.

 

He feels like Asuma's grip on his hand is the only thing keeping him anchored to the ground.

 

 Asuma releases one more heaving cough and he squeezes Shikamaru's hand extra tight, "… and I love you too, _brat_." Shikamaru presses his face into Asuma's neck and inhales deeply as his sobs wrack his whole body.

 

"I love you, I love you, _I love you so much_ , but also _fuck you_ Asuma, because I love you and you took something from me, something I didn't realise _I gave you,_ and I felt lost when you took it someplace where I couldn't find you, so _fuck you_ and **_I love you_** _, you bastard,"_ he breathes frantically into Asuma's neck.

 

Every night he couldn't fall asleep properly all seem to catch up with him at once as something finally clicks back into place and the Shikamaru's world feels centred again.

 

Tsunade seems even more unimpressed if physically possible.

 

"Okay lovebirds, you got your moment, now _you_ -" she jabs a finger at Shikamaru, "go get some fluids, lie down, and compose yourself so you don't pass out again, "and _you-_ " the finger comes back to jab at Asuma, " **shut up** and let me make sure this touching scene wasn't all for nothing."

 

 

_Then_

"Be honest, you're judging me at least a little bit right now," Shikamaru grumbles as Asuma winds the bandage around his ankle slowly.

 

A sprained ankle from sparring, of all the humiliating ways to get injured.

 

Asuma frowns, "why would you say that?" he asks.

 

Shikamaru rolls his eyes, "you've always said I wasn't particularly physically gifted, surely this is kind of vindication, or at the very least kind of amusing for you," he shrugs. He's speaking like he's disinterested but Asuma knows that Shikamaru never says anything casually and without purpose.

 

"I think I know what you're talking about," Asuma says carefully, still bandaging Shikamaru's swollen ankle with an attentiveness Shikamaru isn't completely comfortable with, "what I believe I meant to say was that you didn't display any particularly exceptional physical fighting attributes, that much is true." He leans over the first-aid kit and looks for the scissors while he continues speaking, "your mind on the other hand," he grins, victorious in locating the scissors, "your mind puts every adversary you'll ever meet to shame," he says frankly.

 

Shikamaru stares at him in shock. 

 

Asuma continues, a small smile playing at his lips, "the sheer brilliance that exists in only one small fraction of your brain could bring down entire armies of ninja," he says simply as he cuts the bandage. "And your heart, your capacity to care, to love, and to shoulder burden for those you love is _humbling_ ," he places the scissors down. "Don't ever doubt that I am proud of you, that I am in awe of you, that I think you are capable and dangerous and _impressive_."

 

Shikamaru doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to brush that declaration off.

 

He's shaken, has been for weeks since the appalling failed mission with Ino and Choji. His own sense of himself has felt like such an out of reach concept rather than a comforting pillar of who he is. 

 

He's been rocked to the core and he hasn't felt like himself. He hasn't felt good enough in a while. 

 

He hasn't felt like _Shikamaru_ , he's felt like an empty outline of who Shikamaru _was._ A colouring-in drawing with too many important gaps missing.

 

Asuma ties the bandage and then suddenly presses Shikamaru into the wall he's sitting up against. His breath is hot against Shikamaru's face and his expression is solemn, all of Shikamaru's senses are overwhelmed by the older man, "also, _I love you far too much_ to find any enjoyment in your pain or suffering."

 

He presses a sudden kiss to Shikamaru's mouth and then to his bandaged foot, admiring his handiwork. 

 

Shikamaru is speechless and looks away to try and hide his blush and prickling tears. "Maybe, I should try and get injured more often," he tries, "wheedle some more praise out of you that way."

 

Asuma growls and tugs Shikamaru flush to his chest, "did you deliberately _not_ hear what I just said?"

 

He tucks his head into Asuma's neck, breathes in, and feels more like the Shikamaru he _is_ today and will be when the sun rises tomorrow.

 

 

_Now_

Shikamaru grips Asuma's waist as he supports him, leaping from tree to tree.

 

Konoha, _home_ , is almost two days travel away and everyone is understandably ready to go home now that the mission has been successful.

 

Asuma grunts into Shikamaru's neck, "I should get captured and gravely injured more often, you're a lot nicer to me," he mumbles.

 

Shikamaru's grip tightens involuntarily, "Asuma," he growls, " ** _I love you far too much_** _to find any enjoyment in your pain or sufferin_ g, you meant that right? Because I certainly do."

 

Asuma's eyes widen, "… Shikamaru." 

 

"Shut up," Shikamaru grumbles before reluctantly pressing a quick kiss to his forehead. Asuma's eyes crinkle. 

 

Shikamaru breathes in the smell of the forest they're darting through. He's hyperaware of the green of the leaves, Ino's tinkling laughter and Choji's low chuckle, the sound of life in the forest, and the feel of the man pressed against his side.  

 

Kurenai runs up alongside him and offers a _glittering, blinding_  thing of a smile. She cocks her head teasingly as if to say, _and now? What's next?_

 

Shikamaru smiles back at her.

 

 

_And now?_

 

_Home._

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully that wasn't awful, I love kudos and comments so feel free to leave those. I also love talking to people about this tranwreck of a ship over on tumblr, find me as storm-in-my-teacup on that hellsite.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


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